Swimming with ghosts or angels?

   I originally did not give too much thought to swimming 5 miles in one event when I signed up for the MN open water swim series.  It is just a number-right?  As the date approached and I had not gotten the pool time or open water time in that I knew was necessary to feel ready for such a swim...well, I got a little freaked out.  It is not a marathon swim but it is nothing to just blow off either.  I was nervous, stressed over the lack of training time, anxious and maybe questioning my decision quite a bit.  We got to where we were staying later than anticipated on Friday night, got three hours of sleep and then I may have "accidentally" gotten my crew to the swim an hour early.  It really was not on purpose but they will never believe me.  Anyway, there on time, cold and windy conditions, ready to swim.  What do you think about for 5 miles?  That was the question everyone including myself kept asking.  It is pretty tough to get me stay focused if you talk to me.  (sorry everyone!)  I knew that I just wanted to swim.  The water was warmer than the air so it was a welcomed place to be.  We start, we find our kayak(ers) eventually, and we were off and swimming.  The first part was pretty choppy but eventually I found a groove and really just swam.  Before starting they pointed to the water tower and said "that is about 5 miles...swim to that..." so mostly I had the kayak block the sun on my right and used the water tower to sight my swim.  As they told us would happen, it became rough with some waves.  The most interesting part of the swim was this...the waviest, the supposed hardest part of the swim.  I was amazed that every stroke felt strong and for a while that was all I focused on.  I actually thought to myself that this was what those body pump classes were for because I expected to feel tired and not strong.  I got into the best rhythm that I could because you surrender much of your breathing and stroke technique to the waves and how they permit your progress and decide which attempts at collecting air are successful.  This is what I am getting at.  I saw a something out of the corner of my eye.  It was probably a white cap crashing next to me and the underwater sight that makes.  It reminded me of swimming with my yellow lab, Dylan.  She would swim next to me along shores of lakes in Alexandria, streams in Colorado and even a few trips to the ocean.  It was so comforting that I thought about her and how much I missed her and told myself to do this for at least 50 strokes....hold on to that feeling.  Then I wondered about the other people I missed, my grandmother, a summer swim team coach, etc.  I focused on each one and what they meant to me now since passing.  I continued to feel strong and then warm as if swimming in my own sunbeam.  I felt so good and was happy to be swimming-I was having fun!  I had talked to a great person the day before about mantras and as I felt strong and warm said a few of my own personal ones as well.  I cannot describe the experience without saying that I felt blessed right then and there.  So blessed, happy, strong.  We got a little off course and I ended up annoyed at my kayakers.  I barked a little at them....okay, I swore at them.  I knew I made a mistake and felt awful about my words.  Instantly fatigue and some pain set in.  We had already passed the 4 mile mark.  It seemed like nothing until I let something bother me.  This is such a powerful example to myself and maybe for someone else about the power of the mind and positive thought.  It was my first longer attempt at mindfulness and it worked...until I let my ego get in the way!  I honestly finished and thought I could swim longer in the future.  Maybe not 21.5 miles, but 10 miles does not seem out of reach with more training.  This swim was a stepping stone, an eye opener for me.  We truly never know what we can do until we take a chance.  Yes, it is work and takes training, but now I see my goals out farther than I did even two weeks ago.  I am so grateful for the experience and as always, need to remember to keep my words in check.

Who does this stuff?

There is a big weekend coming up and I am definitely not ready for it.  Even if I got as much training in as I possibly could there is no way to actually be ready for it.  Saturday July 27th is the Minnetonka Challenge, 5 mile swim.  The next day I am doing the Chisago Lake sprint triathlon.  I have been training, when I can.  With children and life and working my program you could say there is enough going on.  For me no.  The way that I have navigated this part of my life is through melding of all of the above together (kids, program, training) and finally an ever expanding support structure.  I started the training alone putting one foot in front of the other and paired it with whatever other challenges I was facing at the time.  As I got stronger physically I was able to attempt the next physical goal and the next personal challenge in front of me.  It has been an arduous journey to say the least....but worth it every time I reach the other side of things.  I am on this side of my next event (haven't even reached base camp in my mind) and of course life and kids throw me curve balls at the same time today, this weekend, next week...  Today I am freaked out about what I am going to do and stressed.  It will not matter when I get there, all the questions I have running through my head.  The only thing I have to do is swim.  One length of the lake, 5 miles.  Going from pool swimming to longer distance open water swimming has been one of the biggest eye openers for me about the mental limitations I put on myself.  Good bye 50s, 100s and even the 500 (yard swims/races) that I used to know.  Being asked to swim the mile in college was just a joke on me I thought.  Now I face only the sound of the water, the thoughts in my head and a long time to push through more pain and fatigue than I have known before.  I will do it.  I am not afraid of swimming 5 miles or doing the triathlon the next day.  I am nervous and anxious which is supposed to be a good thing.  Never mind I have knots in my stomach already and feel a bit nauseated today.    Back to the swim, the length of time pushing yourself without feeling or seeing results.  How familiar.  There is a starting point and a direction to go in and once you start it is up to you to find the way that works for you....this swim is an obvious metaphor for my recovery.  The thing about today is I feel more sure about my recovery than I do about my athletic ability!  What a great place to be in regardless. 


I picked up a book at a garage sale this morning and in it someone wrote:

"Stop being angry at everyone
accept what is
and live your life"

-smart people

It was a dollar well spent just to read that message!!  Have a wonderful Friday evening!  Hunter

Here we go!

My friend Teri came to me with the idea of doing a documentary about a month ago, on me.  Of course I thought she was joking...but here we are doing this.  Right now I think it's scary, putting yourself out there for everyone to here about the worst times in your life that you tried countless times to drink out of your memory.  It is not all about rainbows and unicorns.  This is about addiction and primarily alcoholism.  I have come to a point in my recovery where I want to tell my story.  I have been judged in the court of public opinion so many times and gave in to it, never believing there was a better life for me.  Well there is another way, there is hope and it is happening now! 
       Teri told me to just start writing and I hope someone, anyone starts asking me questions or else I will be babbling on and on and on.  I got a good pool workout in this morning, had two appointments and a meeting.  My bike ride was postponed due to my youngest being asked to leave daycare today.  He is a spitfire...has a good heart but a natural born football player I believe.  The boys (my youngest and oldest) played and played in the sprinkler.  It reminded me of how beautiful the simple things are, how happy I was to do the same when I was little.  I couldn't enjoy anything for a long time.  Now I intend to love the hell out of every tiny little moment I am blessed with.
       To end this post I will just say that today I didn't pick up, and don't plan on it.  I am no better than anyone out there struggling with addiction whether they are clean and sober or not.  We are all just one drink or use away from a drunk or a high.